


respite.

by stonestars



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: BIG episode 48 spoilers, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, look they need one after that last episode, they work it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 13:50:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17509790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: Nott and Caleb finally have a conversation about unresolved feelings and what happened in the basement of Yeza's shop. Things are a little less broken, in the end.





	respite.

**Author's Note:**

> HUGE episode 48 spoilers. Someone had to write them talking it out because my heart hurts at the idea of them not reconciling.

They’re sitting in the back of the cart.

 

Nott swings one foot off the edge. It hits the back wheel over and over, the only sound aside from the whispers of far-off conversation of the rest of the Mighty Nein.

 

_ Thump. _

 

She curses Caduceus for taking her never-ending flask. And her backup flask. And her potion bottle full of alcohol. 

 

_ Thump. _

 

She curses Beau for wrenching her aside after they moved a bit outside of Felderwin and giving her an earful--  _ “I understand you’ve got your shit going on but he has his shit too and you two need to talk about what happened right now because if you don’t--” _

 

_ Thump. _

 

_ “he’ll leave.” _

 

“I know that,” Nott mutters to herself.

 

Out of the corner of her eye, Caleb tenses.

 

_ Thump. _

 

“Did you say something?” he says, voice soft, like being any louder would shatter him or her or both of them.

 

Nott bites her lip harder than she intended, sharp teeth sending pricks of pain down her spine.

 

“I--”

 

_ Thump. _

 

“No I was-- Nothing.”

 

Caleb nods. “Ah.” There’s a long pause.

 

_ Thump. _

 

Nott curses herself for not being able to face anything without being drunk and being so careless with her words when she is. She curses Caduceus again for taking her alcohol, and then thanks him a bit, and then curses him again for good measure.

 

_ Thump. _

 

Finally, Caleb sighs. Nott can see two of his fingers press together, like he wants to summon Frumpkin for the comfort. He doesn’t snap, though, his fingers relaxing instead.

 

She knows why he’s doing that. She wants to tell him to call Frumpkin, that he does deserve the comfort that his familiar brings, that he shouldn’t be denying himself that because of her.

 

Instead, she swings her leg again.

 

_ Thump. _

 

It shakes him out of his head. “I--” his voice breaks, and Nott has to stop herself from reaching out to comfort him. She’s sure he doesn’t want her comfort now. Not after what happened back in the basement.

 

So she stops swinging her foot and pulls her legs up under her. The lack of movement and the absence of the hard wood hitting her heel feels weird for a moment. 

 

Nott doesn’t say anything as Caleb continues to turn his words over in his head.

 

“I will help you find-- find your… find what they have taken,” he says, saying each word oh-so-carefully. “I promise you, my… Ah. I-- I promise.”

 

He’s not done. She can read this on him even from the corner of his eye.

 

“And then I will… I will go.” Caleb’s hands fold in his lap. “I know you would prefer me to go now but… I will not leave while my past-- my  _ mistakes _ \-- have hurt your people. Your family. I am--” his voice dies to a whisper “-- _ sorry _ , Nott.”

 

Nott waits. She bites back her arguments and she makes herself wait.

 

Caleb laughs an empty laugh. He knows her well enough to know that she’s waiting. “I am… I do not know what else you want me to say,” he says. “You were right. Is that it? It  _ was _ my people who did this to your people. I am at fault here, you can blame me. I understand if you never want to see me again, but I cannot leave until I do everything in my power to fix this. I hope you can at least understand that, at least let me work with you until then.”

 

Nott takes a deep breath.

 

“Are you done?” she says softly, her own hands resting on her knees. She looks up at him, waiting.

 

Caleb’s face crumples. “ _ Ja _ ,” he says. “I am… done.” He goes to get up-- 

 

“Caleb.”

 

\--and freezes halfway between sitting and standing.

 

Nott swallows. “I don’t get a chance to say anything? Sit down.”

 

He listens. Nott takes another deep breath.

 

She has to choose these words carefully. She  _ has _ to fix this. “What did I tell you about your past? About what happened?”

 

Caleb looks like he’s breaking. “I--”

 

_ “It’s not your fault _ . I said that, didn't I? Didn't I say that?” 

 

He’s quiet for so long she almost thinks he’s not going to answer.  _ “…  _ yes _.” _

 

Nott nods. She pulls herself to her feet, turning to face him head-on, hands on her hips. “The man… the terrible man that you ran from because he made you do terrible things is involved in this. That… that hurts, for both of us.  _ But. _ ” She punctuates this by leaning forward. “It’s not your fault. It wasn’t your fault.” 

 

Caleb winces back. “Nott, you do not have to…” he sighs. “You do not have to pretend you are not mad, or don’t blame me. I heard you earlier, I understood. You are angry with me.”

 

“ _ Because you-- _ ” Nott exclaims, voice catching in her throat. She feels her tears well up hot in her eyes and tries to push them back to no avail. “Because you didn’t  _ care _ back there, Caleb! You cared more about making sure that-- that Jester and Caduceus and everyone didn’t learn even something small about your past! I-- I wasn’t going to tell them  _ everything.  _ I  _ wasn’t. _ But you wouldn’t even…” 

 

Her tears are dripping down her face now and she turns away, wiping at them angrily. “Fuck. I can’t do this. I-- I need-- Caduceus took…” she shakes her head. “Fuck. I’m  _ scared _ . I can’t-- I don't-- I’m not brave. There’s no comma, remember? I don’t… I can’t handle this stuff.” She deflates. “Yeza is gone and I could’ve been here to save him. That thing--” she gestures to the rest of them in the distance “--that we have is the reason and we’ve been using it to… to what? Become pirates? Help Fjord with his shit? I don’t…”

 

She makes herself turn back to Caleb. “We have  _ no _ idea where he is. I promised Luke I’d get him back and we have  _ no fucking idea _ . Except… we have you. And the letter mentioned that man from your past and his students and I’m  _ sorry  _ I couldn’t bring it up later but I…” she sighs. “Don’t you-- everything was hopeless until the letter mentioned you. And then you wouldn’t even talk about it because they didn’t know and I-- I really don’t matter enough to you for you to put aside being afraid of everyone knowing about you? That’s what I thought when you told me to stop. ‘Fuck you, I guess me and my people don’t matter to you. Fuck you, I guess I’m not one of your people, I guess you don’t care. So fuck you.’ That’s what I thought. That’s why I was so mad.”

 

He’s staring at her, jaw slack. She wipes her tears again. 

 

Caleb inhales sharply. He’s shaking. “Nott I-- I’m  _ sorry. _ ” His legs come up to his chest and he pulls his arms around himself. “I didn’t-- I was-- I am-- I am… I cannot ask for your forgiveness. I cannot. You are right, you are  _ right _ , I was…”

 

Nott can’t take it anymore. She digs her claws into her palm. “You’ll help me find him even if it means that the others find out more than you want them to?”

 

Caleb takes a deep breath. It shakes. “ _ Ja.  _ Yes. I-- I will.”

 

“Then fuck you. I forgive you. You don’t want me to but I forgive you.” 

 

His face crumples and he looks away. “Nott…” 

 

“It wasn’t your fault. You don’t believe me yet. You cut off ties with this man a long time before it brought harm to Yeza. He would've been involved in this even if you hadn't been that man's student. It wasn’t your fault. I told you I’d tell you until you believed it.” She crosses the distance between them and pulls him to her chest. “You haven’t forgiven yourself yet, either. That’s why you don’t want them to know. Because you still think it’s your fault and that it’s unforgivable and all of those things. I need you. But not just that. It’s the same thing that I said about everyone when we were trying to find them. I don't just need them, I love them-- the Mighty Nein and Yeza and Luke. I don't just need you, I love you. You know that, don’t you?”

 

She wonders, briefly, if she’s feeling the need to comfort him so badly because she just saw Luke again and wants to give Caleb what she knows she can’t give him yet. She pushes that thought away. Luke is her boy, but Caleb is her boy too, in a different way.

 

“I do not deserve this, Nott. Not from you, not after what we just found.”

 

“Caleb.”

 

He sighs. She pulls back and watches the emotions cross his face as he presses his hands flat and together in front of him before pointing them towards her. “Fine. Are you and I good?”

 

Nott is quiet for a moment. “You hurt me in there.”

 

His eyebrows furrow. “I know.”

 

“Do you think that’s unforgivable, too?”

 

His inability to meet her eyes tells her everything she needs to know. 

 

“You’re going to have to learn how to forgive yourself. I’ll help. I’ll make sure you can.” She sighs. “I’m maybe mad. But it’s alright. I won’t be in the morning. And you’ll be here,” she says, hand taking his and tightening. “Because you promised you’d help me find Yeza.”  _ And because you promised me we would stick together.  _ "Right?"

 

Caleb closes his eyes and squeezes back. “I will be here.”

 

Nott nods. He opens his arms and she climbs in. The sun had set at some point during their conversation. “I’m sorry for getting mad.”

 

“I deserved it.”

 

Nott bites back a protest. He kind of did. Instead, she shifts her weight against his chest. “But you don't deserve the blame for all of this."

 

Caleb is quiet for a moment, trying to come up with a response. Eventually, he gives up. “The others will be coming back soon. To make sure we did not hurt each other.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“We should go join them before that.”

 

Nott presses into Caleb’s chest, her shoulders shaking. “Yeah.”

 

“Are you alright, Nott?”

 

Now she’s quiet for a moment. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I will be when we find him. I think. I don’t know…” she bites her lip. “I don’t think I am right now.”

 

Caleb pulls her tighter. His hand smooths down her hair. “Okay. That’s alright.”

 

Nott presses her face into his shoulder and feels her tears begin to wet his jacket. Caleb begins to sing ever-so-softly in Zemnian, just loud enough to drown out her sobs, his hand still smoothing her hair.

 

She falls asleep against his chest. 


End file.
